Finding Myself

Most of the time, I feel like I have a fairly sheltered life. People keep me safe, people take care of me, people look out for me - people even let me get away with things I shouldn't really be getting away with, simply because I can't see very well. Yes, apparently, that's a cute enough excuse!

And it's not that I'm complaining. I'm certainly not complaining about the last one on that list, because I've dodged some pretty admirable bullets courtesy of that little gem. No, but very occasionally, I allow myself to be reckless. I dare myself to do things which I know are probably not the wisest for me to do. Crossing the road alone, for example. Might sound silly to you, but try doing it with a blindfold on and you'll quickly realise how scary it can be. Actually, maybe don't try doing with a blindfold on or we may never see you in one piece again... Yeesh!

And yet, I bet crossing the road is something that most people do every single day without thinking twice about it. When you are reckless and brave, (or silly and foolish, depending which spin you want to put on it) and you do these things regardless as somebody who can't see, the full weight of how much you wish you could be one of those people who are lucky enough to take them for granted all the time hits you like a ton of bricks.

So far, I have always made it safely across - touch wood - and here I am to tell the tale. Every time you make it, you feel this small, flicker of accomplishment. You know it's a silly little thing really, but to you, it means... something. And yet, at the same time, you know that it shouldn't mean something. It isn't right that it is that big a deal for you. It shouldn't be that difficult for anyone.

It is both beautiful and heart-breaking all at once.

I'm sure it's easy to think I'm insane - a blind girl crossing a busy road - "You could get yourself KILLED!" Still, I don't think it's insane to long for a little independence as a young woman. I think it's the most natural thing in the world. And blind or not, I'm still just another young woman.

You see, I have always been one of those people who adores others, but also loves some time out to be with herself. Leisurely walks alone have forever been a guilty pleasure of mine and I guess I am still refusing to accept that this is a pleasure which is becoming more complicated all the time. I get so emotionally claustrophobic when I'm surrounded by other people constantly. Other people's opinions. Other people's decisions. Other people's ideas... I just need space to be who I am! Otherwise, I forget.

Finding yourself feels like a having big, satisfying stretch at the end of a really long, tiring day.

The most challenging thing for me is when I get these rare moments to find myself and the girl I discover is not one I truly have the ability to be. I long for the girl I know I could be if I only had 20/20 vision. I feel like I know her so well. I feel like she is there inside me, fighting to show herself and in those brief, beautiful moments when she does, I am overwhelmed by how much I desperately wish my eyes could live up to her expectations.

I am notoriously known for being somebody who oozes personality out of every cheeky smile. Honestly, I think the phrase, "That's so you" may never have been used more on any one individual. If ever life leaves me without my spark, when we are finally reunited, I fully appreciate just how much I've missed it.

That is the person I am and have always been in my heart. And I am proud to be that person. Full of adventure and curiosity and enthusiasm for life. We all have certain limitations which hold us back from reaching our full potential as people - physically, socially, mentally or otherwise - but when you have a moment in which you truly realise the kind of person you are, never dismiss it for any reason. In fact, flaunt it! Be that person to the best of your abilities as much as you possibly can. Never let anything come in-between you and who you are.

Sometimes, I thank my lucky stars that part of who I am is just that little bit too reckless for my own good!