In my varied experience of the world so far, one of the worst feelings is that of heart-break. Your heart can break for all kinds of reasons and, incidentally, heart-break is something I have had to grow to become very used to on almost a daily basis. For me, it has most recently come in the form of finding out I need to have another scary operation and the terrifying unknown that comes along with it; watching others flourish and easily accomplish things I know deep down are out of my reach; truly understanding how different my life could have been if I had only been born into another body; realising how little I can honestly accept myself at times; watching my hopes and dreams gradually become nothing more than distant memories and waking up to discover that today, I cannot see to read.
I think the only feeling worse than this is being made to feel less than human by other people. As somebody who was born with a visual impairment, I always used to think of myself as "normal". Nothing that much like anybody else when push comes to shove. Nowadays, I realise that what I really meant by "normal" - and I think what the vast majority of people ever mean by normal - is human. No better than anybody else and no worse - but certain on the same level as them. True, one part of my body doesn't quite work as well as other people's, but that's it.
People pretend this is the simplest concept of all the time and that they get it - of course, they get that. It's obvious, right?
Then why have I been made to feel like a write-off so many times?
"Oh, by the way, just so you know, she can't see."
It's like an ice cube dropping into the pit of your stomach, followed by the raging fire of anger and hurt that inevitably ensues. They might not realise it - it might not seem like it to them - but they might as well just have said, "Oh, by the way, just so you know, she might as well not be here." Honestly, that is how awful it makes you feel. If you're looking for the perfect way to alienate someone on the spot, you've got it in one!
If I want to tell them, let me do it. Either way, it's my decision to make.
You wonder why the teller feels they have the right to disclose your personal secret like that - and you remember why you hold the information as such a deep, dark secret in the first place, as you immediately sense the toldee's judgement scuttling over you like spiders. Yep, you've just gone way down in their estimation, without even doing anything.
Some would say this is a far too over-sensitive estimation of what really happens when somebody finds out you can't see. But, trust me, as a girl who has experienced it and faked so many smiles, while inside her heart has just been shattered to smithereens all over again, it isn't. People will judge you. It's sad - but it's natural. Heck, I judge other people all the time. And why? Because I am human.
My head, my heart, my brain, my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies and my nightmares are just like everybody else's. I think there is a huge misconception that people who were born with an impairment simply accept it and resign themselves to the fact that they will never be quite on the same level as everybody else. But if you lost your sight tomorrow, would it make you any less of who you are inside right now? Believe it or not, it's exactly the same. Personally, I don't think I will ever make peace with the fact that my eyes don't work like they should. It's like having a constant, irritating illness that flares up and gets worse every now and again - except the last thing you're looking for is sympathy. You just long to get better. You yearn to be treated like everybody else - because, guess what? That is how anybody else would feel in your shoes.
I want more from life. I am always looking to better myself. I want new opportunities, new responsibilities - I want to be given a chance. Trust me, I regret the fact that my eyes can't see a million times more than anybody I will ever come into contact with - but I do understand that my heart beats just the same as theirs. And therefore I know I'm only human, after all.
