In my varied experience of the world so far, one of the worst feelings is that of heart-break. Your heart can break for all kinds of reasons and, incidentally, heart-break is something I have had to grow to become very used to on almost a daily basis. For me, it has most recently come in the form of finding out I need to have another scary operation and the terrifying unknown that comes along with it; watching others flourish and easily accomplish things I know deep down are out of my reach; truly understanding how different my life could have been if I had only been born into another body; realising how little I can honestly accept myself at times; watching my hopes and dreams gradually become nothing more than distant memories and waking up to discover that today, I cannot see to read.
I think the only feeling worse than this is being made to feel less than human by other people. As somebody who was born with a visual impairment, I always used to think of myself as "normal". Nothing that much like anybody else when push comes to shove. Nowadays, I realise that what I really meant by "normal" - and I think what the vast majority of people ever mean by normal - is human. No better than anybody else and no worse - but certain on the same level as them. True, one part of my body doesn't quite work as well as other people's, but that's it.
People pretend this is the simplest concept of all the time and that they get it - of course, they get that. It's obvious, right?
Then why have I been made to feel like a write-off so many times?
"Oh, by the way, just so you know, she can't see."
It's like an ice cube dropping into the pit of your stomach, followed by the raging fire of anger and hurt that inevitably ensues. They might not realise it - it might not seem like it to them - but they might as well just have said, "Oh, by the way, just so you know, she might as well not be here." Honestly, that is how awful it makes you feel. If you're looking for the perfect way to alienate someone on the spot, you've got it in one!
If I want to tell them, let me do it. Either way, it's my decision to make.
You wonder why the teller feels they have the right to disclose your personal secret like that - and you remember why you hold the information as such a deep, dark secret in the first place, as you immediately sense the toldee's judgement scuttling over you like spiders. Yep, you've just gone way down in their estimation, without even doing anything.
Some would say this is a far too over-sensitive estimation of what really happens when somebody finds out you can't see. But, trust me, as a girl who has experienced it and faked so many smiles, while inside her heart has just been shattered to smithereens all over again, it isn't. People will judge you. It's sad - but it's natural. Heck, I judge other people all the time. And why? Because I am human.
My head, my heart, my brain, my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies and my nightmares are just like everybody else's. I think there is a huge misconception that people who were born with an impairment simply accept it and resign themselves to the fact that they will never be quite on the same level as everybody else. But if you lost your sight tomorrow, would it make you any less of who you are inside right now? Believe it or not, it's exactly the same. Personally, I don't think I will ever make peace with the fact that my eyes don't work like they should. It's like having a constant, irritating illness that flares up and gets worse every now and again - except the last thing you're looking for is sympathy. You just long to get better. You yearn to be treated like everybody else - because, guess what? That is how anybody else would feel in your shoes.
I want more from life. I am always looking to better myself. I want new opportunities, new responsibilities - I want to be given a chance. Trust me, I regret the fact that my eyes can't see a million times more than anybody I will ever come into contact with - but I do understand that my heart beats just the same as theirs. And therefore I know I'm only human, after all.
Tuesday 7 July 2015
Monday 29 June 2015
A Positive Person
Everybody is forever telling me that I'm "such a positive person". That "it's lucky you're so positive!" or that it's "alright for you, because you can always see the positive side". But the truth is, I'm just a person.
I have come to realise that all you can do is to accept the hand you are dealt in life. You don't really have any other choice than to do so, because there are plenty of things in all of our lives that we simply cannot change, no matter how much we might want to.
So then, you can either make the best of those things - or the worst of them.
Now, apparently, I tend to make the best of them quite a lot of the time and this is why I have been branded "Little Miss Sunshine" by the people who surround me. And, don't get me wrong, I am proud of that. I love being the person that others find strength from when they are feeling low. I relish the opportunity to inject a little lightheartedness into a world so full of dark, all-consuming black-holes.
Still, there are also plenty of times when my brain makes just about the very worst of things that it is possible to make.
I think the same can be said of most people.
And, like most people, I tend to hide the down times in a little underground cave, never to be seen by the world at large. After all, a positive person is still a human. As a human, we all need our down times - our times of sadness, frustration, anger, even hatred. These things are within us all - I think the major difference is simply how well someone can control them.
I have always been a great believer in having a good, long cry every now and again. It feels cleansing to the soul in a way that nothing else can quite achieve. However, knowing that others know how sad I am seems to stimulate my sadness to the max. I don't want people to see me in that light. I don't want them to realise how much certain things get to me or just how deep some wounds run. Greeting the ones I love with a smile, on the other hand, makes me smile far more too. Happiness is so wonderfully contagious.
From all of this, the most important thing I have learnt though, is that happiness is also a choice - just as positivity is a conscious decision. Underneath it all, a positive person is nothing more than a person, who practices positivity every single day - who can identify negative energy and never gives up the fight to conquer it.
In some ways, that sounds like a sad reality - we'd all like to believe that some lucky folks are simply born encased in special, positive pixie dust. And yet, to me, it is the most beautiful sentiment in the world. It means there are no "chosen ones". It's not a case of, you've got it or you haven't. Instead, it's always up for grabs... To anyone, at any time! Certain people may be more inclined towards it than others, but it is never impossible to be a positive person and you can decide to be one literally whenever you want.
The truth is, I love it when people call me a positive person, because it's then that I know my every-day battle is worth it. It's then that I am so thankful to life for forcing me to adopt that attitude - to make the best of every little thing I have and strive to take nothing for granted. It's then that I am proud of myself for not having positivity thrust upon me, but for being strong enough to choose positivity for myself.
Life is so empowering when you come to the liberating realisation that it's all in your hands.
I have come to realise that all you can do is to accept the hand you are dealt in life. You don't really have any other choice than to do so, because there are plenty of things in all of our lives that we simply cannot change, no matter how much we might want to.
So then, you can either make the best of those things - or the worst of them.
Now, apparently, I tend to make the best of them quite a lot of the time and this is why I have been branded "Little Miss Sunshine" by the people who surround me. And, don't get me wrong, I am proud of that. I love being the person that others find strength from when they are feeling low. I relish the opportunity to inject a little lightheartedness into a world so full of dark, all-consuming black-holes.
Still, there are also plenty of times when my brain makes just about the very worst of things that it is possible to make.
I think the same can be said of most people.
And, like most people, I tend to hide the down times in a little underground cave, never to be seen by the world at large. After all, a positive person is still a human. As a human, we all need our down times - our times of sadness, frustration, anger, even hatred. These things are within us all - I think the major difference is simply how well someone can control them.
I have always been a great believer in having a good, long cry every now and again. It feels cleansing to the soul in a way that nothing else can quite achieve. However, knowing that others know how sad I am seems to stimulate my sadness to the max. I don't want people to see me in that light. I don't want them to realise how much certain things get to me or just how deep some wounds run. Greeting the ones I love with a smile, on the other hand, makes me smile far more too. Happiness is so wonderfully contagious.
From all of this, the most important thing I have learnt though, is that happiness is also a choice - just as positivity is a conscious decision. Underneath it all, a positive person is nothing more than a person, who practices positivity every single day - who can identify negative energy and never gives up the fight to conquer it.
In some ways, that sounds like a sad reality - we'd all like to believe that some lucky folks are simply born encased in special, positive pixie dust. And yet, to me, it is the most beautiful sentiment in the world. It means there are no "chosen ones". It's not a case of, you've got it or you haven't. Instead, it's always up for grabs... To anyone, at any time! Certain people may be more inclined towards it than others, but it is never impossible to be a positive person and you can decide to be one literally whenever you want.
The truth is, I love it when people call me a positive person, because it's then that I know my every-day battle is worth it. It's then that I am so thankful to life for forcing me to adopt that attitude - to make the best of every little thing I have and strive to take nothing for granted. It's then that I am proud of myself for not having positivity thrust upon me, but for being strong enough to choose positivity for myself.
Life is so empowering when you come to the liberating realisation that it's all in your hands.
Sunday 28 June 2015
Envy
We are always told that we should never compare ourselves to those around us. That everyone experiences things at their own pace, in their own time, in their own way.
Envy is one of those emotions that we know in our hearts that we shouldn't feel and yet it so naturally overwhelms us at times.
If we are honest, we all envy people for the things which they have that we do not. Nine times out of ten, they are material things that we simply fancy and will probably one day save up enough money to afford for ourselves. Sometimes they are physical features which we wish we could capture in a little bottle and smothers all over our own skin to make us a hundred times more attractive. Sometimes, it is something as simple as sight.
I get jealous of people who were simply blessed with the ability to see all the time. Because why do they deserve it and I don't? Why am I the one who has to struggle her way through things that mean nothing to others, solely because I was born different to them. How will I ever reach the dreams they seem to scale as though they are shallow walking stiles when everything is so much more complicated for me?
It's definitely not that I would wish them to be in my position, while I take theirs. I just us both to have the same chances of happiness as one another.
It's very difficult not to be just that little bit bitter when you witness somebody doing something that you know would take you forever, as if it was second nature to them. And I seem to be surrounded by that constantly.
It sounds like a toddler's tale of "it's not fair", but I think we can all relate in one way or another.
Envy is born of passion. Passion uncontrollably spreads like wild-fire.
The best way I have found to cope with envy is by turning it into inspiration. Rather than thinking, "Why can't I do that when everyone can?" I think "If everyone else can, why can't I?!" Usually, if you think about it long and hard enough, there are actually less answers to that question than you maybe first imagined there might be.
One thing I have learnt about myself is that, if I really want to do something badly enough, I refuse to let my list of excuse outweigh my temptation to try - to give it all I've got and more.
That's passion at its best in my opinion.
I believe that the more we can recognise envy to be passion, the more we can channel that passion into achieving everything we were once so envious of.
Sometimes you have to try a whole lot harder than other people, but the greater the struggle, the more precious the reward.
Envy is one of those emotions that we know in our hearts that we shouldn't feel and yet it so naturally overwhelms us at times.
If we are honest, we all envy people for the things which they have that we do not. Nine times out of ten, they are material things that we simply fancy and will probably one day save up enough money to afford for ourselves. Sometimes they are physical features which we wish we could capture in a little bottle and smothers all over our own skin to make us a hundred times more attractive. Sometimes, it is something as simple as sight.
I get jealous of people who were simply blessed with the ability to see all the time. Because why do they deserve it and I don't? Why am I the one who has to struggle her way through things that mean nothing to others, solely because I was born different to them. How will I ever reach the dreams they seem to scale as though they are shallow walking stiles when everything is so much more complicated for me?
It's definitely not that I would wish them to be in my position, while I take theirs. I just us both to have the same chances of happiness as one another.
It's very difficult not to be just that little bit bitter when you witness somebody doing something that you know would take you forever, as if it was second nature to them. And I seem to be surrounded by that constantly.
It sounds like a toddler's tale of "it's not fair", but I think we can all relate in one way or another.
Envy is born of passion. Passion uncontrollably spreads like wild-fire.
The best way I have found to cope with envy is by turning it into inspiration. Rather than thinking, "Why can't I do that when everyone can?" I think "If everyone else can, why can't I?!" Usually, if you think about it long and hard enough, there are actually less answers to that question than you maybe first imagined there might be.
One thing I have learnt about myself is that, if I really want to do something badly enough, I refuse to let my list of excuse outweigh my temptation to try - to give it all I've got and more.
That's passion at its best in my opinion.
I believe that the more we can recognise envy to be passion, the more we can channel that passion into achieving everything we were once so envious of.
Sometimes you have to try a whole lot harder than other people, but the greater the struggle, the more precious the reward.
Saturday 6 June 2015
Finding Myself
Most of the time, I feel like I have a fairly sheltered life. People keep me safe, people take care of me, people look out for me - people even let me get away with things I shouldn't really be getting away with, simply because I can't see very well. Yes, apparently, that's a cute enough excuse!
And it's not that I'm complaining. I'm certainly not complaining about the last one on that list, because I've dodged some pretty admirable bullets courtesy of that little gem. No, but very occasionally, I allow myself to be reckless. I dare myself to do things which I know are probably not the wisest for me to do. Crossing the road alone, for example. Might sound silly to you, but try doing it with a blindfold on and you'll quickly realise how scary it can be. Actually, maybe don't try doing with a blindfold on or we may never see you in one piece again... Yeesh!
And yet, I bet crossing the road is something that most people do every single day without thinking twice about it. When you are reckless and brave, (or silly and foolish, depending which spin you want to put on it) and you do these things regardless as somebody who can't see, the full weight of how much you wish you could be one of those people who are lucky enough to take them for granted all the time hits you like a ton of bricks.
So far, I have always made it safely across - touch wood - and here I am to tell the tale. Every time you make it, you feel this small, flicker of accomplishment. You know it's a silly little thing really, but to you, it means... something. And yet, at the same time, you know that it shouldn't mean something. It isn't right that it is that big a deal for you. It shouldn't be that difficult for anyone.
It is both beautiful and heart-breaking all at once.
I'm sure it's easy to think I'm insane - a blind girl crossing a busy road - "You could get yourself KILLED!" Still, I don't think it's insane to long for a little independence as a young woman. I think it's the most natural thing in the world. And blind or not, I'm still just another young woman.
You see, I have always been one of those people who adores others, but also loves some time out to be with herself. Leisurely walks alone have forever been a guilty pleasure of mine and I guess I am still refusing to accept that this is a pleasure which is becoming more complicated all the time. I get so emotionally claustrophobic when I'm surrounded by other people constantly. Other people's opinions. Other people's decisions. Other people's ideas... I just need space to be who I am! Otherwise, I forget.
Finding yourself feels like a having big, satisfying stretch at the end of a really long, tiring day.
The most challenging thing for me is when I get these rare moments to find myself and the girl I discover is not one I truly have the ability to be. I long for the girl I know I could be if I only had 20/20 vision. I feel like I know her so well. I feel like she is there inside me, fighting to show herself and in those brief, beautiful moments when she does, I am overwhelmed by how much I desperately wish my eyes could live up to her expectations.
I am notoriously known for being somebody who oozes personality out of every cheeky smile. Honestly, I think the phrase, "That's so you" may never have been used more on any one individual. If ever life leaves me without my spark, when we are finally reunited, I fully appreciate just how much I've missed it.
That is the person I am and have always been in my heart. And I am proud to be that person. Full of adventure and curiosity and enthusiasm for life. We all have certain limitations which hold us back from reaching our full potential as people - physically, socially, mentally or otherwise - but when you have a moment in which you truly realise the kind of person you are, never dismiss it for any reason. In fact, flaunt it! Be that person to the best of your abilities as much as you possibly can. Never let anything come in-between you and who you are.
Sometimes, I thank my lucky stars that part of who I am is just that little bit too reckless for my own good!
And it's not that I'm complaining. I'm certainly not complaining about the last one on that list, because I've dodged some pretty admirable bullets courtesy of that little gem. No, but very occasionally, I allow myself to be reckless. I dare myself to do things which I know are probably not the wisest for me to do. Crossing the road alone, for example. Might sound silly to you, but try doing it with a blindfold on and you'll quickly realise how scary it can be. Actually, maybe don't try doing with a blindfold on or we may never see you in one piece again... Yeesh!
And yet, I bet crossing the road is something that most people do every single day without thinking twice about it. When you are reckless and brave, (or silly and foolish, depending which spin you want to put on it) and you do these things regardless as somebody who can't see, the full weight of how much you wish you could be one of those people who are lucky enough to take them for granted all the time hits you like a ton of bricks.
So far, I have always made it safely across - touch wood - and here I am to tell the tale. Every time you make it, you feel this small, flicker of accomplishment. You know it's a silly little thing really, but to you, it means... something. And yet, at the same time, you know that it shouldn't mean something. It isn't right that it is that big a deal for you. It shouldn't be that difficult for anyone.
It is both beautiful and heart-breaking all at once.
I'm sure it's easy to think I'm insane - a blind girl crossing a busy road - "You could get yourself KILLED!" Still, I don't think it's insane to long for a little independence as a young woman. I think it's the most natural thing in the world. And blind or not, I'm still just another young woman.
You see, I have always been one of those people who adores others, but also loves some time out to be with herself. Leisurely walks alone have forever been a guilty pleasure of mine and I guess I am still refusing to accept that this is a pleasure which is becoming more complicated all the time. I get so emotionally claustrophobic when I'm surrounded by other people constantly. Other people's opinions. Other people's decisions. Other people's ideas... I just need space to be who I am! Otherwise, I forget.
Finding yourself feels like a having big, satisfying stretch at the end of a really long, tiring day.
The most challenging thing for me is when I get these rare moments to find myself and the girl I discover is not one I truly have the ability to be. I long for the girl I know I could be if I only had 20/20 vision. I feel like I know her so well. I feel like she is there inside me, fighting to show herself and in those brief, beautiful moments when she does, I am overwhelmed by how much I desperately wish my eyes could live up to her expectations.
I am notoriously known for being somebody who oozes personality out of every cheeky smile. Honestly, I think the phrase, "That's so you" may never have been used more on any one individual. If ever life leaves me without my spark, when we are finally reunited, I fully appreciate just how much I've missed it.
That is the person I am and have always been in my heart. And I am proud to be that person. Full of adventure and curiosity and enthusiasm for life. We all have certain limitations which hold us back from reaching our full potential as people - physically, socially, mentally or otherwise - but when you have a moment in which you truly realise the kind of person you are, never dismiss it for any reason. In fact, flaunt it! Be that person to the best of your abilities as much as you possibly can. Never let anything come in-between you and who you are.
Sometimes, I thank my lucky stars that part of who I am is just that little bit too reckless for my own good!
Thursday 13 November 2014
Eating Out of the Palm of My Hand
I made a little friend whilst on holiday in the Peak District.
It's all about trust.
Monday 3 November 2014
Don't Ever Let Anyone Tell You That You Can't
People often think they know better than you in life. Sometimes they think they know you better than you know yourself - and, you know what? Sometimes - they're right!
However, in most aspects of life, the lovely thing is that you get to choose whether to allow someone else to be right about you - especially when it comes to what you can and cannot achieve. For instance, if they think they have you all figured out and you don't like how scarily right they seem, it becomes your mission to prove them WRONG.
You can do this at any time, any where. Remember, it's never too late to show someone up and come out victorious.
And that is why, against all odds -and without the aid of sight - this year, right after my latest eye surgery, I decided to carve a pumpkin for Halloween.
Please don't tell me I can't, it only ever encourages me more... ;-)
However, in most aspects of life, the lovely thing is that you get to choose whether to allow someone else to be right about you - especially when it comes to what you can and cannot achieve. For instance, if they think they have you all figured out and you don't like how scarily right they seem, it becomes your mission to prove them WRONG.
You can do this at any time, any where. Remember, it's never too late to show someone up and come out victorious.
And that is why, against all odds -and without the aid of sight - this year, right after my latest eye surgery, I decided to carve a pumpkin for Halloween.
Please don't tell me I can't, it only ever encourages me more... ;-)
Wednesday 22 October 2014
Letters to Listeners: When Networking is Not-working!
Dear Listener,
They say, in radio, you have to be a good story-teller, so here is my story.
I hear that the key to success in the media industry is networking; knowing the right person at the right time. But, Listener, how do you network when you can't see who you are networking with?
Take sight out of the equation and everybody looks the same. They tell me, "It's all done online these days" but, of course, you have to meet in person eventually... So, what would you do, Listener? Do you lead with your vulnerability? Do you highlight the one problematic part of yourself you wish to minimise the most? Or do you, as I have done, smile and pretend, without having a clue what is really going on around you?
It seems crazy to me that I have lived across the world and achieved a nationwide radio award in America, and yet my greatest struggles are right outside my front door at home. I so long to be that pro-active go-getter who impresses everyone with her daring and gains instant gratification for her confidence. The trouble is that I can't see who I need to pro-actively go get to impress in the first place.
In my heart and mind, I have just as much passion and ambition as anyone else and, you know what Listener? Sometimes I wish I didn't. That way, I might not understand the heart-break and the frustration behind having something physical, which can sometimes keep me bound in blind isolation.
I don't want to forgo my dream because of the way I was born. It seems ironic to me that I spend so much time worrying about my vision, when all I've ever really wanted is for someone to listen.
Note from Author:
I often get frustrated with the fact that I can't simply pin-point a person, walk up to them, know who they are, call them by their name and start a conversation. It is something so powerful and almost miraculous to me, yet something which anyone who doesn't have a visual impairment can take for granted and struggle to see the complications for those who find it difficult do so. After all, it's not that I don't want to approach people - and the thought that this may make those around me assume I am unsocial and uninterested breaks my heart, because I am an extremely outgoing individual inside.
I am constantly reading stories of how some people swoop into the radio environment, make the tea for everyone without being directed and carve an instant career for themselves in the industry. Now, unless someone directed me towards the kettle, I would never find it - or the recipients of the tea for that matter - and, if you really want to set yourself a challenge today, try making cup of tea blind-folded. Believe me, it's more terrifying than you think!
This factor plays out in both professional and social situations. It makes me so incredibly upset that I can't reach out to others in the way I so strongly desire to sometimes. However, that is why, when someone reaches out to me, it means so much more than any fully-sighted person might ever understand or experience. It is a feeling I treasure and a warm, open hand held out for me to take hold of.
After that, I spend the rest of the time we share repaying them for their kindness. In short, that clever person has just found themselves a keeper!
They say, in radio, you have to be a good story-teller, so here is my story.
I hear that the key to success in the media industry is networking; knowing the right person at the right time. But, Listener, how do you network when you can't see who you are networking with?
It seems crazy to me that I have lived across the world and achieved a nationwide radio award in America, and yet my greatest struggles are right outside my front door at home. I so long to be that pro-active go-getter who impresses everyone with her daring and gains instant gratification for her confidence. The trouble is that I can't see who I need to pro-actively go get to impress in the first place.
In my heart and mind, I have just as much passion and ambition as anyone else and, you know what Listener? Sometimes I wish I didn't. That way, I might not understand the heart-break and the frustration behind having something physical, which can sometimes keep me bound in blind isolation.
I don't want to forgo my dream because of the way I was born. It seems ironic to me that I spend so much time worrying about my vision, when all I've ever really wanted is for someone to listen.
Note from Author:
I often get frustrated with the fact that I can't simply pin-point a person, walk up to them, know who they are, call them by their name and start a conversation. It is something so powerful and almost miraculous to me, yet something which anyone who doesn't have a visual impairment can take for granted and struggle to see the complications for those who find it difficult do so. After all, it's not that I don't want to approach people - and the thought that this may make those around me assume I am unsocial and uninterested breaks my heart, because I am an extremely outgoing individual inside.
I am constantly reading stories of how some people swoop into the radio environment, make the tea for everyone without being directed and carve an instant career for themselves in the industry. Now, unless someone directed me towards the kettle, I would never find it - or the recipients of the tea for that matter - and, if you really want to set yourself a challenge today, try making cup of tea blind-folded. Believe me, it's more terrifying than you think!
This factor plays out in both professional and social situations. It makes me so incredibly upset that I can't reach out to others in the way I so strongly desire to sometimes. However, that is why, when someone reaches out to me, it means so much more than any fully-sighted person might ever understand or experience. It is a feeling I treasure and a warm, open hand held out for me to take hold of.
After that, I spend the rest of the time we share repaying them for their kindness. In short, that clever person has just found themselves a keeper!
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